Missing Milestones

Well my darling little lady this was mommy's first week of working a full time job since you've been born. It was definitely an up and down kind of week. You just had a bath and are sleeping on the couch so I am going to make this entry short and sweet so I can come snuggle with you. Mommy has really missed you this week.

This week was harder than I expected. I've worked two part time jobs since you've been born so I'm used to working a lot of hours, but most of the time those hours would happen in the evenings or on the weekends so I got to spend a lot of the day time with you. Now, you are already getting sleepy by the time I get home and I didn't feel like I really got to see you much this week. I really, really missed you.

Monday was my first day and I would have to say that it was the hardest. You were sick and not feeling well at all, but mommy couldn't call in on her first day. Thank goodness grandma Julie was here to help take care of you since daddy was already at work. Mommy left for work, but called and made a doctors appointment for you on her drive into work. I told the nurse your symptoms and she wanted to get you in as soon as she could. Grandma Julie took care of you until daddy could take you to the doctor. I called daddy to tell him all your symptoms and told him just to call and let me talk to the doctor if he needed me to. I felt like I needed to be there with you baby and I couldn't be. It was very stressful for mommy. The doctor put you on an antibiotic for 14 days, but said it wasn't pneumonia which is what I was worried about. So that was at least good news.

Then a girl that mommy went to high school with had a baby earlier this week. The baby is not doing very well, and she put pictures up online of her little girl. Her baby has a breathing tube, a line through her belly button, and is hooked up to all kinds of monitors just like you were baby. It broke my heart to see that little baby. It also made mommy feel pretty depressed. I hadn't thought about your birth in awhile, and seeing those pictures took me right back to it. I try not to think about it anymore because when I do, I feel like I relive it. I've been thinking about that baby and her family a lot this week and wish all of them the best. She is having a much rougher time than you did baby and will probably be in the hospital a lot longer than you were. Mommy feels fortunate that you recovered as well and as quickly as you did.

Mommy did have a long day this week as well. I worked my full time job on Wednesday and then went straight to my part time job after that. Mommy doesn't like to do this, but right now it is what I have to do. It was draining to be gone all day. lug around all the stuff I have to have with me these days, worry about when I need to take my breaks to pump, and try to pack enough food in the morning to satisfy me for the entire day since I have such limited food options. I was mentally exhausted before Wednesday even started because I had been worrying about my long day since the week began. I worked over 13 hours and then got up with you in the night when you were hungry. Then I went back to work the next morning. I was tired, and I just missed you so much. Your daddy and grandma Julie were a huge help to me this week with stuff around the house. I appreciate both of them so much.

Then today you rolled over for the first time while you were at your day care. This kind of devastated me. I instantly got upset because I'm missing out on you growing up right now. I might miss a lot of milestones over the next few months and that is tough for mommy to come to terms with. I wish I could be there for all of them my sweet baby. Please understand that mommy is doing what she has to do. Mommy hasn't been very smart with her money so far in life, and mommy and daddy are determined to teach you to be wise with your money. We got you a piggy bank for Christmas so you can start saving your money. Mommy got upset about missing your milestone today, but it made me even more determined to work as hard as I can over the next few years so that I can stay home when we are ready to give you a sibling. I hope that you won't think that I love that second baby more than I love you since I will hopefully be staying home with that baby once it is born. Mommy just didn't realize how attached to you she would be before she had you and she didn't save her money like she should have.

So nothing major happened this week which is actually a good thing! Your tummy is feeling better, now we just need you to get over your sinus and yeast infections. One of these days you will feel completely better I just know it. You and I are making the long drive up to grandma and grandpa's tomorrow for Christmas. Your first Christmas baby! I can't wait to spend time with you these next four days that I am off work! I love you my sweet darling, always and forever.

Getting Pregnant

Don't worry my sweet baby, even though the blog post is titled "getting pregnant" there won't be any graphic details :) Mommy just wants to explain how lucky she feels to have you. I am thankful that you are here, but since I've been having such a rough time with things lately, I feel very guilty. This post will help me take a step back from our current situation and make me realize what a little miracle you are. No matter what we have to go through with your health baby, mommy needs to remember our journey to your conception and just be thankful that you are here.

When mommy was 18 she went to the doctor to get her yearly checkup for the first time. My pap test results came back abnormal so I needed to get some extra tests done. They did a biopsy of my cells and then told me I needed to come back every three months so they could monitor any changes. After a year of monitoring me, the doctor determined that my cells weren't getting any better, but they didn't seem to be getting any worse either. The doctor told mommy that since her cells were abnormal, they were pre-cancerous. She told me about a procedure where they froze most of your cervix so that the cells didn't have a chance to get to the cancerous stage. She mentioned harvesting my eggs if I was interested in having kids someday. She told me that if I went through with the procedure or not I would probably have a very difficult time getting pregnant without medical assistance. She said it might even be impossible for me to get pregnant.

Woah. Hold on just a minute. That is a lot of things for a 19 year old to process. You will learn someday that mommy usually deals with things in life that overwhelm her by just "running away" from the problem. It is a bad habit of mine that you are helping me work on right now. There have been so many times these past few months with your issues that I have just wanted to run away baby. I'm sorry. Then I look at your sweet face and I know I could never run away from you. Anyway, so mommy kind of avoided her health issues for awhile. I just didn't want to think about anything the doctor had told me and it was like if I ran away from the situation it wasn't real. Mommy and daddy started dating about a month after mommy got this news from the doctor and mommy was always very honest with daddy about everything. I immediately just thought about adopting children because it was easier to know I could have a child by adopting one than think about going through the heart ache of not being able to conceive. Again, mommy was trying to avoid an uncomfortable situation. Daddy made it very clear that it was important for him to have his own children. This scared mommy. What if I couldn't give him what he wanted?

At age 21 I lost my health insurance. I was still in college and wasn't working a full time job yet. Since I didn't have health insurance, I stopped going to the doctor. That meant I lost my birth control option that year as well. At first mommy and daddy were very careful. We were both still young and didn't want to take any chances. As the months passed we were less and less careful. There were several times that mommy took a pregnancy test, but they never came back positive. Mommy has never had a regular cycle so it was hard for me to know if I was actually late or not. Even though I felt that I was still young, I would always get my hopes up that one of those tests would come back positive.                                     

Daddy proposed to mommy when I was 24 and mommy said yes even though I was never completely comfortable making that commitment knowing that I might not be able to have his children. I felt so guilty. I felt like I was forcing someone into a life long bond with me when I might not be able to make them happy. It had been years at this point and we had not gotten pregnant. Though we weren't actively trying to get pregnant, we weren't really doing anything to prevent it either. I was getting very worried. Maybe I really wouldn't be able to get pregnant. This was just too much pressure for me and mommy was starting to get very depressed. There was a lot of stress in mommy and daddy's relationship. Though we stopped talking about the whole pregnancy situation, we both knew what was or I guess I should say wasn't happening. In June 2011, mommy gave daddy back the ring and we both decided to take a few months to ourselves to figure out what we wanted. Mommy and daddy never stopped loving each other baby. That is important for you to know. Mommy and daddy still talked every day during that break. What we quickly realized is that we love each other very much and what makes us happiest is being together no matter what. Mommy felt a lot less stress about everything with daddy. Mommy moved back in with daddy in October of 2011 and we ended up conceiving you at the end of November. I don't know if mommy's body had always just felt like there was too much stress and pressure on it or what, but we were finally able to conceive a child, you. I honestly feel like you are a miracle baby for us. Though we didn't exactly plan your conception, we knew it could have happened at any time. I think both mommy and daddy had basically given up on the idea of getting pregnant on our own after almost 4 years. I have known several people in my life who have had trouble with getting pregnant. Sadly, it's not really an uncommon thing these days. I never talked to many people about this struggle in my life. Even some of my closest friends and family will learn things by reading this post. I guess I was always worried about being judged by friends and family for even hoping to get pregnant in the first place.

 I will write an entire blog post devoted to my pregnancy with you baby. For now I just want to say thank you my sweet darling. Thank you for being you. You are a wonderful and unique baby who has added so much to our lives. You have already taught me more than I could have ever imagined and you continuously make mommy deal with new things. You are a challenge, but at this point I wouldn't change a thing. I guess that just in case I only get one chance at having a child you wanted to make sure I got to experience a little bit of everything with you :) Thank you for making mommy and daddy's relationship stronger as well. Daddy is so happy to have you and he loves you very much. Mommy is glad she could make daddy happy and mommy loves you too of course. Always and forever.

FootPrints

Oh my darling little lady. Mommy had a very productive yet up and down kind of a day. I have several blog posts started on different subjects, but I haven't made them public yet. I want to tell you how today went first.

One of my friends very recently had a baby, and as I was looking at her pictures online of her hospital stay, I noticed she had such a cute picture of her baby's footprints in pink ink! I loved it, but it made me sad at the same time. We did not get your foot or hand prints when you were born. There was no time to worry about that little detail. I know that it was necessary to move quickly after you were born, but I feel like I missed out on so much. It has been bugging me lately so today I decided to take a trip to the hospital where you were born. I asked the nurses if there was any way that they would have gotten your prints. They checked for me, but there were no prints. Mommy was so disappointed. I know I looked like I was going to cry, but the nurses were all so nice about it. They sent me home with a bag of supplies so I could get your hand and footprints tonight at home. So that is what we did! They aren't your newborn prints, but they are better than nothing baby! The nurses had given me a "keepsake birth certificate" on the day that you were born, but just left the place where your footprints should go blank so we added your three month footprints to that tonight. We also didn't know your length until your were four days old. Again, there just wasn't any time to measure you. We are lucky we even knew your weight! Mommy and daddy also went and got your actual birth certificate today so you are now official :)

It makes mommy sad to think about how much we didn't get to experience. I know I should just be thankful that you are alive, but I had such a vision in my head of how things were going to go after you were born. I wanted to be this glowing new mother who everyone congratulated for having this beautiful new baby. I was certainly not glowing and it was not a congratulating type of a situation. Everyone just looked at me with sadness in their eyes. It was not a happy time for anyone. I wish I had been able to see my parents reaction the first time that they got to see you together. I wish so badly that you and mommy had had that special bonding time as soon as you were born. I dream that with our next one we will get to experience those things and more. It is going to take mommy awhile before I feel up for going through that experience again. I already know that I will be paranoid about EVERYTHING with my next pregnancy and delivery.

We did get some very good news today. A third party company has agreed to work with our doctors office and insurance company to get us some help with your special formula. The company will get a script from the doctors office and will make sure that insurance pays for the formula since it is a medical necessity that you are on it. Then we will receive all the formula we need month by month and it will be delivered right to our door! This is amazing news baby girl! Mommy has been very stressed about money lately and this will be a huge help. You have been WAY more expensive than mommy and daddy were expecting because of all the issues that we have had. We were not expecting to have you on any formula at all or have you go through so many diapers a day when your tummy was hurting so bad. Finances have definitely been a big worry for us these past few months, but things are looking up now. We have great family and friends who have helped us out tremendously with buying us diapers, wipes, formula, clothes or just giving us money to help out since you were born. A great friend of mommy's even drove all the way to Indy to take your newborn pictures for us! We are so lucky to have such amazing people in our lives who love you very much.

Mommy is trying her best to get everything taken care of this week because I start working full time Monday. Yes, a full time job baby! Mommy is so excited yet so torn at the same time. I wish beyond anything that I was able to stay home with you every day, but we are not in a financial position to do that at this time. I hope by the time we are ready for you to have a sibling, mommy can stay home with both of you. At least we found a great home day care for you to be at. I know you have a lot of fun there and that makes mommy feel less stressed when I'm away from you. For now I need to go get things ready for work in the morning, but I just wanted to remind you that mommy loves you always and forever!

Mommy's Irrational Fear of Losing You

Sweet, sweet baby girl. We have had a long week, but a pretty good week. I have been meaning to write a new post for days now, but just have not had time. Soon I want to write in depth about a few topics including the nipple shield, pumping, formula, my birth plan, pregnancy, getting pregnant, being a working mother and my diet change. For tonight, though, I want to write about my daily irrational fear of losing you because it has been a huge struggle for me this week.

First let me give an update on your situation. Cutting out soy from my diet has been a game changer for you. We have not seen any blood in your stools in about 3 days now, and your mood has greatly improved. I have my fingers crossed that we have your food allergies all figured out. I have gotten my hopes up before, but I really do feel good about things right now. You have been a fun "normal" baby these past few days. It has been so nice. I have been able to kind of enjoy being a mommy this week. I know it sounds so awful, but I really have not enjoyed you much these past three months. It makes me feel like a terrible person to admit that, but things have just been too stressful for me to enjoy much of it.

I have an irrational fear of losing you. It is like I know that I shouldn't constantly be worrying about that anymore, but I cannot help it. I mentioned it before, but when you were born and you were having issues it is like my mind went into survival mode. I set up mental and emotional blocks so that if we lost you, it wouldn't be so hard. At least that's what I told myself at the time. I haven't really gotten rid of those mental blocks yet. Every time I look at you, I just go through a mental check list of things I need to monitor. Are you breathing?  Is your skin coloring ok? Do you feel too cold? Is your nose so stuffy that you might have trouble breathing at some point? Are you silently choking like you sometimes do? Multiple doctors have told me that we do not need to worry about your lung collapsing again, but I constantly worry that you will stop breathing. I'm always looking at your shoulders to check for movement or putting my hand in front of you nose to feel you exhale. I think that it will take me a long time to believe what those doctors say. Right now I look at you like you are just this thing that I need to make sure survives. It has made it extremely hard to enjoy my time with you. I feel like at any point you could just be taken away from me again. It is a terrible feeling.

We have made a breakthrough this week, though. For the past 4 nights you have slept in your bassinet in mommy and daddy's room. Every other night of your life has been spent in our bed or on the couch and always in my arms or grandma Julie's arms. I know the topic of co-sleeping is controversial, but it worked for us. Mommy has always been extremely careful about our co-sleeping. I make sure that you have plenty of space to breathe. I always turn my head so that when I exhale, you won't breathe in my leftover air. Usually this means that mommy isn't very comfortable, but that doesn't matter to me. In the beginning I always made excuses and blamed our co-sleeping on you baby. In Riley you slept under a heating lamp thing so you were always warm there. At home we had a lot of problems with you being able to properly regulate your temperature in the first few weeks. You would get SO cold. It would get to the point of your lips turning blue and you shivering. You would only sleep in your bassinet for about 20 minutes on your own before you got too cold and started crying. It was comforting for both you and mommy to snuggle all night long and keep each other warm. You love to be held and snuggled. I always say its because you couldn't be held for so long after you were born, but who knows. Then when your tummy wasn't feeling good, you weren't able to settle yourself at night. For mommy's sanity, it was just easier to sleep with you in my arms so you would sleep for a few hours at a time and let mommy get some sleep as well. Sometimes at night you wake up choking and when you are in my arms I am always right there to start patting your back. I wake up right away when you start choking even when you are silent about it. I just always blamed our co-sleeping on you baby, but one day about two and a half weeks ago I realized that it wasn't you anymore who needed to be snuggled at night, it was me. I tried to put you in your bassinet that night, but then I couldn't sleep. I sat there for over 2 hours and worried that you would stop breathing. That you would die in your sleep. How could mommy live without you? I couldn't do it. I got up and checked on you countless times. I could not sleep. So you ended up back in bed with mommy.

Like I said, though, we had a breakthrough this week with you sleeping in the bassinet. I know you can't sleep in my arms forever. Mommy wouldn't have been able to handle it if anything had ever happened to you while we were co-sleeping. I have heard horror stories of mommy's or daddy's suffocating their babies while co-sleeping. Mommy can't even imagine if that had happened. Thankfully we never had any issues. We went three months of co-sleeping every night and I'm thankful for that time I got to spend with you. I haven't been able to enjoy much, but I enjoy you the most when you are sleeping. That is when I can just sit beside you and look at you. It is beautiful to just watch you breathe when you are sleeping. I will never take for granted the act of breathing again after you weren't able to when you were born. Breathing is such a simple mindless act for most people, but it is something that is necessary for a person's survival. If you can't breathe, you can't survive and that's why we could have lost you baby. You look so peaceful when you are sleeping and it gives me some peace of mind.

I know I need to stop worrying so much. You are feeling much better this week. I hope that I start enjoying you more soon. I love you so so so much baby. Please don't ever think that I don't or didn't love you during this time in your life. You have just had a rough start and mommy has had a hard time with it. So I will leave you with this, mommy loves you darling. Always and forever.

Doctor Visit

Oh my pretty little lady. Let's talk about how Friday ended up going. Mommy should have written a new post Friday night, but I needed a few days to get my emotions under control.

Well we did end up getting you into the doctor on Friday. You will be three months old on Tuesday, but we have already visited your pediatrician 8 times. I have a feeling that you are going to require some extra medical care for quite some time. I like your pediatrician, but I feel like it is time for us to get a second opinion on your situation. I called the Riley allergy specialists on Friday, but we need a referral to go and see them. I think I'm going to try to get you an appointment with a Riley pediatric doctor for next week so we can easily get a referral to their allergy specialist team if needed. At this point, an allergy issue is the only thing that your pediatrician has even mentioned, and I want a second opinion to make sure that we are on the correct path with your medical care.

Our usual pediatrician was out of the office so we had to see a doctor in the practice that we have never seen before. That made it hard because she has not been with us since day four of your life like your regular doctor. I was completely overwhelmed, very emotional, and getting desperate. I know I looked like a very tired and run down mother on Friday. The nurse that we saw was amazing. All of the nurses that we have seen at your doctors office have been wonderful, very understanding and compassionate. I took in several messy diapers from Friday morning to show them what I was worried about. The nurse looked at me with big eyes and told me she would be very concerned if her child's diapers looked like the ones I took in. The doctor came in and looked at them, though, and didn't seem concerned at all. She told me that she didn't think that the amount of blood loss was significant. I told her that we have been seeing diapers like that for days now and sometimes we see 20 plus diapers like that a day! Add up all the blood in 20 diapers and that accounts for a significant amount of blood lost in one day. Any amount of blood lost from a 12 pound baby should be considered significant in my book. I mean how much blood can a 12 pound baby really have to lose? Right now all her energy should be focused on her growth and development and not on constantly creating new blood cells. I told the doctor that you've been having bad diarrhea and I'm afraid of dehydration with all your stools and the blood loss. She just kind of gave me a blank stare. I wanted to ask her how many babies she sees right now who have diapers that look like yours. I wanted to ask her if she really knew what she was talking about. I was getting very angry, but I had to control myself.

I tried to plead with the doctor. I'm getting desperate. I tried to convey my desperation. I just want to make you feel better baby. I asked her what was best in terms of your feeding, and she told me that breast milk is always best. I had prepared myself to hear the doctor say that I needed to stop breast feeding so I was relieved to hear her say that. I would have been disappointed to stop breast feeding, but at this point I would not have put up a fight about it. She told me to cut out all soy from my diet as well, continue to supply as much breast milk as I am able to, and wait 2 weeks to see if things get better. Wait. Wait. Wait. I feel like we've been waiting for answers for the past 10 weeks. Frankly I'm getting sick of waiting. I asked her what we could do about your pain and she said try a warm towel on your stomach. Baby I know that won't stop your pain. I can sit here and watch your poor little tummy tighten and convulse when you are hurting and a warm towel isn't going to do anything for your pain. I asked about an infection and she said she highly doubted that you had any sort of infection. I told her my concerns about not catching an infection in time, though, if there was one. She was starting to get impatient with me I could tell. We had already been in the office for an hour and she had other patients to get to. I was just bothering her at this point. I just wanted to make her understand that I am very concerned about you and I just want to make you feel better. She doesn't have to be the one to hear you cry in pain in the evenings. She did finally send us home with several containers to collect your stool samples over the weekend so we can get them tested to make sure you don't have an infection. It has been tough to collect samples, though, because you are still having a lot of diarrhea and that just soaks into your diaper.

So we left the doctor's office without any answers and with more frustration than before. Mommy cried on daddy's shoulder for a long time once we got to the parking lot. At least daddy did tell mommy that he thinks continuing to breast feed is our best option. Mommy thought he was beginning to feel that all formula was best for you. I'm glad that we are on the same page, though. Sometimes it is hard for mommy and daddy to talk about these things. I feel like I am being such a woe is me person right now, but you are my life baby. You are what I think about all day, every day. I'm honestly starting to get angry about everything. Why did this have to happen to you baby? Why my baby? Didn't you have a rough enough start in life to be dealt all of this? I worry about your development. This is such a crucial time for your growth and brain development. Are you getting enough healthy nutrition? At least you seem to be feeling better than you did on Friday. Hopefully we can get some answers soon. I'm trying baby. I promise I'm trying. Don't you ever forget that mommy loves you always and forever.

Allergies

**Warning readers: I have included two pictures in this blog of messy diapers so I can properly explain what is going on with my baby. Please don't judge me for this. I am just trying to document everything the best that I can. You have been warned.**

Oh my beautiful little lady we have had such a rough week. Last night was one of the worst nights that we have ever had. Many tears were shed by both you and mommy. I am so torn my darling baby girl. Mommy doesn't know what to do anymore. I don't know what is right. I feel a lot of pressure coming from everyone around me and I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself. Some people feel that I should stop trying to breast feed and just switch you to all formula. Some people feel I should try to build my supply back up and strictly breast feed you. I am torn. It completely breaks my heart to hear you screaming in pain because you are allergic to my breast milk. We went through 18 diapers yesterday and we haven't done that in several weeks. I need to get your story all caught up on this blog, but yesterday was just such a rough day that I need to get some feelings out.

I am currently waiting on a call back from your pediatrician. I'm hoping that they can get us in today or at least give us some suggestions. I think its time that we take you back to Riley and see an infant allergy specialist. Mommy has cut out all milk protein from her diet, but I think I need to cut out all soy as well. For selfish reasons I didn't want to cut soy out because that limits my food options drastically, but I think that it is time to do so if I want to continue to breast feed. That is my big dilemma now, though. I'm so torn on whether I should continue to breast feed part time or not. It gives you good nutrients, but it hurts your tummy. The formula that we have to supplement you with doesn't give you the best nutrition yet it is helping you gain weight. This has been the most frustrating and heart wrenching situation that mommy has ever had to face baby. I don't know what to feed you. I have such a strong maternal instinct to feed you and take care of you and make sure that you are healthy and I can't do that. With all of these issues my milk supply is way down. I only produce about half of what you want to eat in a day. So I can no longer exclusively breast feed you. It is really hard for mommy to fully explain how I am feeling right now. I feel like no one truly understands what I am going through. I don't personally know anyone else who has a child with a severe milk protein allergy.

Ok I know that I kind of skipped ahead with everything here. Let me go back and explain a little further. When you were two and a half weeks old mommy noticed that you were getting extremely fussy. Fussier than any baby I had ever been around, but I just figured that since I had never had a child of my own, this was just how all babies were. Mommy and daddy felt like we must just not be getting the hang of this whole parenting thing because we never knew how to make you stop crying. Then in week three of your life we began seeing blood in your diapers mixed in with your stools. Daddy is the first one who saw it and he was very freaked out. We went to the doctor and explained what we were seeing. We weighed you and you hadn't even gained a pound in the month since you were born. The pediatrician immediately said that you must be allergic to something. She said the most common food allergy is milk protein, so that is what we decided to cut out of my diet first. The doctor did send us home with a special can of formula that we could supplement you with so you would hopefully start gaining weight, but she encouraged me to change my diet and continue to breast feed. I left that doctors appointment in total shock baby. I couldn't drink milk or eat cheese, butter, sour cream or yogurt. How was I going to make it? I used to eat a lot of dairy products. What I realized though was that I needed to cut out ALL milk protein. That includes a lot more that just the above foods. I started looking on labels of food that we had in the house and there were just a handful of things that I could eat. Almost all processed foods have some sort of milk protein in them. Even most bread, bagels, cereal and "easy foods" as I call them have milk protein. (Look through a few labels if you have time just to see what I mean.) Anything that has the obvious like milk or cheese is out of the question for me to eat, but then if the label says "whey" or "casein" or "lactose" I can't eat that either. Mommy can't eat much right now even though I need to be eating more calories so my body can continue to produce breast milk. It is hard to eat enough calories when you are basically eating rice and veggies all day. It was extremely important at that time for me to continue to try to breast feed even if it was just part time.

Baby you were so skinny. You didn't look or seem healthy. Mommy was so worried and sad to realize that you had been allergic to what I had been feeding you for the first month of your life. It made me feel like such a failure. My body produces milk so that I can feed you, but your little body cannot tolerate it. It was going to take several weeks after mommy's diet change to get the milk protein completely out of my system and then out of your system. So we had a very rough couple of weeks where you did not feel good. You could not get enough food. Some evenings we would sit on the couch for up to 6 hours with you just attached to me trying to feed with your nipple shield. Mommy could not produce enough to satisfy you because you were stooling so much. What went in you seems to immediately come back out. You were never full. Sometimes we would go through over 25 diapers a day because you were having diarrhea so badly. We went through so many packs of diapers and tried every diaper rash creme out there. The stools continued to be mixed with blood. This made mommy sick. If you had blood coming out, that meant that there was an open sore inside your body that could so easily get infected. Mommy worried that if something did get infected, we wouldn't catch it in time. We were already used to seeing blood in your diapers, we wouldn't notice if something worse was going on. This has been so scary for mommy.

The formula that we have to supplement you with is called Nutramigen. It is very expensive. I am glad that you do have a formula option because it has helped you gain weight, but mommy doesn't feel like it is the best nutrition for you. The main ingredient in your formula is corn syrup solids since you can't have milk or soy. Corn syrup solids. So basically I feel like it is vitamin water or Kool-aid or something. It has corn syrup to give you some energy and some vitamins thrown in. The formula does still have a little casein in it as well. Casein is a milk protein, but the protein is completely broken down in this formula. I know that still hurts your tummy, though, because we have experimented with days of giving you strictly formula to see if that made a difference in your diapers, but it did not. That is why I have continued to breast feed part time. I feel like you at least get better nutrition with a mixture of both.

We have had a lot of ups and downs in this battle. We just went about two weeks without seeing much blood. Maybe only about four diapers total during those two weeks. Mommy felt so hopeful that you were finally feeling better. You were a smiley happy baby and it was so much fun. Ever since last week though the blood has been back in full force and it is not getting better. That is why I finally called the doctor this morning baby. We need to figure something out because this cannot continue. You don't feel good and mommy doesn't feel good. I've barely gotten any smiles out of you these past few days. I am so stressed and I have lost a lot of weight. I have been an emotional wreck this past week and it is affecting everything in my life. Mommy wants to continue to breast feed you baby, but I honestly don't know if that is the right thing to do anymore. I just want what's best for you, but I don't know what that is. I want to include two pictures of your diapers from this morning. I have saved them to take to the doctor if they can get us in today. You can see that one is very loose stool mixed with flecks of blood, and the other one is just a mixture of blood and mucus. I have a lot more that I need to say, but for now I need to be done. I have been emotionally drained since last night.

Baby please don't be mad at me for trying to do my best these past few months. I'm so sorry that you don't feel good and I feel like its all my fault. Your tummy hurts all the time. Your poor little bottom constantly has terrible diaper rash. I know that you are in pain. I'm trying my best. I thought I was doing what was best for you by giving you a mix of breast milk and formula. I hope one day you can forgive me for putting you through so much pain. Mommy is really beating herself up over all of this. It has been such a lonely struggle for mommy. Please know that mommy loves you so so so much baby. Always and Forever.

Riley Children's Hospital

Hello sweet baby. Let's continue our journey. Remember how mommy said that Riley Children's Hospital is a wonderful yet terrible place? I will explain what I mean by this. The doctors and nurses at Riley are amazing. You got the best care there that you possibly could have, but the only reason that we had to be there is because something was terribly wrong with you. All the other babies there have things that are terribly wrong with them as well. It was heartbreaking.

Again, not getting an epidural was the best decision for me. If I had had an epidural, the doctor would not have discharged me from the hospital so early. I left Hendricks Regional around noon and came to see you at Riley. I got to see you and touch you and talk to you. I could not hold you yet because you were hooked up to too many machines. It was comforting to know that you were alright. The doctor originally said that our best case scenario would be to have you at Riley for about 6 days. The thought of that was exhausting to me. I did not know what to expect from our experience at Riley because I was not anticipating having to be there. I know it is very naive of me, but I honestly did not even consider your birth going any way other than what I had in my birth plan for you.

You were in the NICU at Riley. It was a long room with about 10 other babies and their families, visitors, and nurses. We did not have any privacy and parents are not allowed to spend the night in the NICU to be with their babies. Your main nurse, Arianna, wanted me to start pumping right away so you could get some nutrients. You still had your breathing tube and a feeding tube down your throat so we could not try to breastfeed yet. I had to go to a nursing room to pump for the first time. This was very overwhelming for mommy. My plan had always been to nurse you as soon as you were birthed, but that did not happen. Finally around 7pm I was able to hold you for the first time because you were starting to breathe on your own and were able to be off the ventilator. We tried breastfeeding right away, but your throat was so sore from the tubes that it did not go well. You never properly latched on and mommy was very stressed. We didn't have much privacy. The nurses put up several screens around your station so that you and mommy were semi hidden. While the screens kept us out of sight, they could not drown out the noise in that NICU room. Doctors were making their diagnosis, nurses were responding to alarms, other babies were getting surgeries done right at their stations and families were getting bad news. Mommy hated to hear the cries of other mommies and daddies. The baby right next to your station was very sick. He needed new kidneys, but could not have the operation until he was at least 20 pounds. He was given a 20% chance to live. His parents didn't understand. There were a few babies that never had any visitors the entire time that we were there. They didn't have anyone to come hold their hands and whisper "I love you" to them. The nurses gave them attention, but couldn't be with them all the time. It made me so sad. Other babies had visitors coming and going. You were one of those babies. You have a lot of people that love you. Only two visitors were allowed to be at your station at one time, though, so I did not get to see many people interact with you for the first time because I could not be in the room. Everything was so stressful. Mommy felt like she had gotten run over by a train. Mommy could not relax and you never did latch on properly to nurse. You still never have.

Most of the rest of this blog will be about our struggles to breastfeed and your allergy issues. For now though, I will continue with your hospital stay. You were officially diagnosed with a pneumothorax. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pneumothorax) That is why you could not breathe. You also had a small hole in your heart and a slight heart murmur. You had several chest x-rays taken and an ultrasound done of some of your organs. This was very scary for everyone who loves you, but you fought through everything very well. You made great progress that first day. Since mommy and daddy couldn't stay the night with you, we had to go home. We tried to get into a Ronald McDonald House room, but did not get on the list in time for the first night. We got home around 9:30pm and mommy was so tired. I got in bed immediately. Around 10:30pm I was woken up by a phone call from the hospital. You were hungry. I could hear you crying in the background. The nurse asked if there was any way that I could make it back to the hospital to feed you. Mommy couldn't drive herself and daddy and grandma Julie were fast asleep. I tried to wake both of them up, but didn't have any luck. I didn't really get any sleep after that phone call. I just wanted to be where you were. I was showered and had my bag and a bag for you packed by 3am. As soon as grandma Julie woke up, we left to come see you. Again I tried to nurse you. It did not go well. Your nurse suggested that I try a nipple shield and that did seem to help. You were doing so much better with your breathing, but we wouldn't be allowed to go home if you weren't eating. Mommy was very focused on nursing you and pumping as much as I could so we could at least feed you through your feeding tube. Arianna put mommy and daddy on the list for a Ronald McDonald House room for the second night and we were fortunate enough to be chosen to stay in one. Mommy felt so lucky! I was able to come up and nurse you in the middle of the night, but again, things just weren't going well with breastfeeding. You were not getting the hang of it. By the third day of trying to nurse, mommy felt very discouraged. I just knew that we weren't going to take you home any time soon. The doctor came around for his morning meeting with the nurses, and asked how you were doing. He asked about your feeding. I sat there exhausted just knowing that I was about to hear bad news. The doctor said "I think it would be in the best interest of everyone if breastfeeding was continued in the comfort of a home." Mommy instantly started sobbing. I think that it took everyone by surprise. I looked up through my tears and everyone was just staring at me. The nurse asked if that was what I wanted and all I could do was shake my head yes. I knew that I could better take care of you if we weren't in such a stressful environment. So on the third day, we were able to go home. We still continued to use the nipple shield to nurse, but you were at least eating. I did not know it at the time, but our breastfeeding battle was just beginning. I will tell you more about that next time baby, but for now don't you ever forget that mommy loves you always and forever.

The Beginning

Hello my darling baby girl. I want you to know that mommy loves you always and forever, but things have not started off easy for us. First, let me start from the beginning. Mommy and daddy met in 6th grade choir class. Mommy thought daddy was the most annoying boy in the entire world. Fast forward to freshman year of college for mommy and daddy when we began to date for the second time. Now its seven years later, and we have you.

We were so excited to meet you. We had a plan. September 3, 2012 we had scheduled an induction. We checked into the hospital at 4pm and I got my first dose of cervix softener at 5pm. The plan was to get a dose every 4 hours until about 6am. At that time the doctor was going to come in and break my water and start me on pitocin. We were expecting to meet you sometime that next afternoon. Mommy and daddy packed a DVD player with some of our favorite DVD's. We joked that the first movie that you would watch would be Superbad because mommy loves that movie and we knew I would need a good laugh after birthing you. The hospital that we were at offered free massages to new mothers. Believe me I was planning on taking advantage of that! Plus, I was going to have cheesecake after every meal! We were going to have a lot of visitors coming to see us and our brand new beautiful baby. That was our plan. We quickly learned that things don't always go as planned.

Mommy only got one dose of cervix softener. By 9pm I was at 4cm and having very regular contractions. Things were getting painful, but I had a strong feeling throughout my entire pregnancy that I did not want an epidural. Not getting an epidural was one of the best decisions mommy has ever made. I lost track of time, but labor progressed quickly. The nurse came in to check me and I was at 7cm. Then I had three terrible contractions back to back. I was clutching the side of the bed because I was out of my mind in pain. I told daddy and grandma Julie that I needed to push. They ran to get the nurse and I was at 10cm. Everything my body had worked for the past 10 months had led to this. I was so ready to meet you, and 30 minutes of pushing later you were here. It was 1:58am on September 4, 2012 when you made your arrival into this world.The doctor put you on my chest and I looked into your eyes. I didn't even have time to reach out and touch you. You gave us a few good cries, but then the nurses whisked you away to a table across the room. The nurses were listening to your chest and they started rushing around. You got quiet. The room got quiet. I didn't understand what was going on, but I knew something wasn't right. You turned blue and weren't breathing. The nurse began to manually pump your breaths. I felt so helpless looking at you from across the room. My body felt like it was going into shock. I was so cold that I had to ask the nurse to cover me with multiple blankets. My mind was racing. It went into survival mode. I told myself "don't get too close to this baby because she might not make it." I have struggled to get over this mental block ever since you were born. It is not that I don't love you baby, its just that my mind couldn't handle losing you.

When they took you out of the room, I tried to get some answers. Your grandma Julie is a very smart lady. I knew that she understood some of what the doctors and nurses had said. I asked her if there was a chance that we could lose you and she replied that there was always a chance. I could tell by the look on her face that she was very worried and that made me worried. She left the room to call grandpa Rick and tell him that he needed to drive down to Indy right away. I knew then that things were bad. Honestly, though, I just felt numb. I didn't have much emotion. I felt like everyone was walking on egg shells around me just waiting for me to break. Everyone was whispering and scattering around. The pediatrician on call had to be called in to evaluate the situation. No one knew for sure why you weren't breathing and the hospital where you were born did not have the resources to take care of you. The pediatrician came into our room and told us that they needed to transfer you to Riley. Riley is an amazing yet extremely sad place to be baby, but we are so fortunate that we live close to such a great hospital. The Riley ambulance transport team was called to come and get you. Once they arrived, they got you all packed up and ready to go on your first car ride in an ambulance. They had to put a breathing tube down your throat so they could start you on a breathing ventilator. You put up such a fight that they had to sedate you to get the tube in! You have been such a fighter from day one. Mommy and daddy got to see you for just a few minutes before you left and I was able to kiss you on the head. Daddy and grandpa Bill got to go to Riley to be with you right away, but mommy had to stay in the hospital and wait to be discharged. My blood pressure was very high for obvious reasons, but the doctor wanted to make sure that it did not get any higher before I left. It was so hard for me to not be where you were. To not know what was going on. To not know if I would ever see you alive again.

I got discharged from the hospital around noon and came to see you at Riley. You looked so much better by the time that I got there. You were out of immediate danger, but our journey had just begun. Like I said earlier, things have not been easy for us these past three months. I will continue our journey in the next blog, but please don't you ever forget that mommy loves you always and forever.