When mommy was 18 she went to the doctor to get her yearly checkup for the first time. My pap test results came back abnormal so I needed to get some extra tests done. They did a biopsy of my cells and then told me I needed to come back every three months so they could monitor any changes. After a year of monitoring me, the doctor determined that my cells weren't getting any better, but they didn't seem to be getting any worse either. The doctor told mommy that since her cells were abnormal, they were pre-cancerous. She told me about a procedure where they froze most of your cervix so that the cells didn't have a chance to get to the cancerous stage. She mentioned harvesting my eggs if I was interested in having kids someday. She told me that if I went through with the procedure or not I would probably have a very difficult time getting pregnant without medical assistance. She said it might even be impossible for me to get pregnant.
Woah. Hold on just a minute. That is a lot of things for a 19 year old to process. You will learn someday that mommy usually deals with things in life that overwhelm her by just "running away" from the problem. It is a bad habit of mine that you are helping me work on right now. There have been so many times these past few months with your issues that I have just wanted to run away baby. I'm sorry. Then I look at your sweet face and I know I could never run away from you. Anyway, so mommy kind of avoided her health issues for awhile. I just didn't want to think about anything the doctor had told me and it was like if I ran away from the situation it wasn't real. Mommy and daddy started dating about a month after mommy got this news from the doctor and mommy was always very honest with daddy about everything. I immediately just thought about adopting children because it was easier to know I could have a child by adopting one than think about going through the heart ache of not being able to conceive. Again, mommy was trying to avoid an uncomfortable situation. Daddy made it very clear that it was important for him to have his own children. This scared mommy. What if I couldn't give him what he wanted?
At age 21 I lost my health insurance. I was still in college and wasn't working a full time job yet. Since I didn't have health insurance, I stopped going to the doctor. That meant I lost my birth control option that year as well. At first mommy and daddy were very careful. We were both still young and didn't want to take any chances. As the months passed we were less and less careful. There were several times that mommy took a pregnancy test, but they never came back positive. Mommy has never had a regular cycle so it was hard for me to know if I was actually late or not. Even though I felt that I was still young, I would always get my hopes up that one of those tests would come back positive.
Daddy proposed to mommy when I was 24 and mommy said yes even though I was never completely comfortable making that commitment knowing that I might not be able to have his children. I felt so guilty. I felt like I was forcing someone into a life long bond with me when I might not be able to make them happy. It had been years at this point and we had not gotten pregnant. Though we weren't actively trying to get pregnant, we weren't really doing anything to prevent it either. I was getting very worried. Maybe I really wouldn't be able to get pregnant. This was just too much pressure for me and mommy was starting to get very depressed. There was a lot of stress in mommy and daddy's relationship. Though we stopped talking about the whole pregnancy situation, we both knew what was or I guess I should say wasn't happening. In June 2011, mommy gave daddy back the ring and we both decided to take a few months to ourselves to figure out what we wanted. Mommy and daddy never stopped loving each other baby. That is important for you to know. Mommy and daddy still talked every day during that break. What we quickly realized is that we love each other very much and what makes us happiest is being together no matter what. Mommy felt a lot less stress about everything with daddy. Mommy moved back in with daddy in October of 2011 and we ended up conceiving you at the end of November. I don't know if mommy's body had always just felt like there was too much stress and pressure on it or what, but we were finally able to conceive a child, you. I honestly feel like you are a miracle baby for us. Though we didn't exactly plan your conception, we knew it could have happened at any time. I think both mommy and daddy had basically given up on the idea of getting pregnant on our own after almost 4 years. I have known several people in my life who have had trouble with getting pregnant. Sadly, it's not really an uncommon thing these days. I never talked to many people about this struggle in my life. Even some of my closest friends and family will learn things by reading this post. I guess I was always worried about being judged by friends and family for even hoping to get pregnant in the first place.
I will write an entire blog post devoted to my pregnancy with you baby. For now I just want to say thank you my sweet darling. Thank you for being you. You are a wonderful and unique baby who has added so much to our lives. You have already taught me more than I could have ever imagined and you continuously make mommy deal with new things. You are a challenge, but at this point I wouldn't change a thing. I guess that just in case I only get one chance at having a child you wanted to make sure I got to experience a little bit of everything with you :) Thank you for making mommy and daddy's relationship stronger as well. Daddy is so happy to have you and he loves you very much. Mommy is glad she could make daddy happy and mommy loves you too of course. Always and forever.
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