First let me give an update on your situation. Cutting out soy from my diet has been a game changer for you. We have not seen any blood in your stools in about 3 days now, and your mood has greatly improved. I have my fingers crossed that we have your food allergies all figured out. I have gotten my hopes up before, but I really do feel good about things right now. You have been a fun "normal" baby these past few days. It has been so nice. I have been able to kind of enjoy being a mommy this week. I know it sounds so awful, but I really have not enjoyed you much these past three months. It makes me feel like a terrible person to admit that, but things have just been too stressful for me to enjoy much of it.
I have an irrational fear of losing you. It is like I know that I shouldn't constantly be worrying about that anymore, but I cannot help it. I mentioned it before, but when you were born and you were having issues it is like my mind went into survival mode. I set up mental and emotional blocks so that if we lost you, it wouldn't be so hard. At least that's what I told myself at the time. I haven't really gotten rid of those mental blocks yet. Every time I look at you, I just go through a mental check list of things I need to monitor. Are you breathing? Is your skin coloring ok? Do you feel too cold? Is your nose so stuffy that you might have trouble breathing at some point? Are you silently choking like you sometimes do? Multiple doctors have told me that we do not need to worry about your lung collapsing again, but I constantly worry that you will stop breathing. I'm always looking at your shoulders to check for movement or putting my hand in front of you nose to feel you exhale. I think that it will take me a long time to believe what those doctors say. Right now I look at you like you are just this thing that I need to make sure survives. It has made it extremely hard to enjoy my time with you. I feel like at any point you could just be taken away from me again. It is a terrible feeling.
We have made a breakthrough this week, though. For the past 4 nights you have slept in your bassinet in mommy and daddy's room. Every other night of your life has been spent in our bed or on the couch and always in my arms or grandma Julie's arms. I know the topic of co-sleeping is controversial, but it worked for us. Mommy has always been extremely careful about our co-sleeping. I make sure that you have plenty of space to breathe. I always turn my head so that when I exhale, you won't breathe in my leftover air. Usually this means that mommy isn't very comfortable, but that doesn't matter to me. In the beginning I always made excuses and blamed our co-sleeping on you baby. In Riley you slept under a heating lamp thing so you were always warm there. At home we had a lot of problems with you being able to properly regulate your temperature in the first few weeks. You would get SO cold. It would get to the point of your lips turning blue and you shivering. You would only sleep in your bassinet for about 20 minutes on your own before you got too cold and started crying. It was comforting for both you and mommy to snuggle all night long and keep each other warm. You love to be held and snuggled. I always say its because you couldn't be held for so long after you were born, but who knows. Then when your tummy wasn't feeling good, you weren't able to settle yourself at night. For mommy's sanity, it was just easier to sleep with you in my arms so you would sleep for a few hours at a time and let mommy get some sleep as well. Sometimes at night you wake up choking and when you are in my arms I am always right there to start patting your back. I wake up right away when you start choking even when you are silent about it. I just always blamed our co-sleeping on you baby, but one day about two and a half weeks ago I realized that it wasn't you anymore who needed to be snuggled at night, it was me. I tried to put you in your bassinet that night, but then I couldn't sleep. I sat there for over 2 hours and worried that you would stop breathing. That you would die in your sleep. How could mommy live without you? I couldn't do it. I got up and checked on you countless times. I could not sleep. So you ended up back in bed with mommy.
Like I said, though, we had a breakthrough this week with you sleeping in the bassinet. I know you can't sleep in my arms forever. Mommy wouldn't have been able to handle it if anything had ever happened to you while we were co-sleeping. I have heard horror stories of mommy's or daddy's suffocating their babies while co-sleeping. Mommy can't even imagine if that had happened. Thankfully we never had any issues. We went three months of co-sleeping every night and I'm thankful for that time I got to spend with you. I haven't been able to enjoy much, but I enjoy you the most when you are sleeping. That is when I can just sit beside you and look at you. It is beautiful to just watch you breathe when you are sleeping. I will never take for granted the act of breathing again after you weren't able to when you were born. Breathing is such a simple mindless act for most people, but it is something that is necessary for a person's survival. If you can't breathe, you can't survive and that's why we could have lost you baby. You look so peaceful when you are sleeping and it gives me some peace of mind.
I know I need to stop worrying so much. You are feeling much better this week. I hope that I start enjoying you more soon. I love you so so so much baby. Please don't ever think that I don't or didn't love you during this time in your life. You have just had a rough start and mommy has had a hard time with it. So I will leave you with this, mommy loves you darling. Always and forever.
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