Riley Children's Hospital

Hello sweet baby. Let's continue our journey. Remember how mommy said that Riley Children's Hospital is a wonderful yet terrible place? I will explain what I mean by this. The doctors and nurses at Riley are amazing. You got the best care there that you possibly could have, but the only reason that we had to be there is because something was terribly wrong with you. All the other babies there have things that are terribly wrong with them as well. It was heartbreaking.

Again, not getting an epidural was the best decision for me. If I had had an epidural, the doctor would not have discharged me from the hospital so early. I left Hendricks Regional around noon and came to see you at Riley. I got to see you and touch you and talk to you. I could not hold you yet because you were hooked up to too many machines. It was comforting to know that you were alright. The doctor originally said that our best case scenario would be to have you at Riley for about 6 days. The thought of that was exhausting to me. I did not know what to expect from our experience at Riley because I was not anticipating having to be there. I know it is very naive of me, but I honestly did not even consider your birth going any way other than what I had in my birth plan for you.

You were in the NICU at Riley. It was a long room with about 10 other babies and their families, visitors, and nurses. We did not have any privacy and parents are not allowed to spend the night in the NICU to be with their babies. Your main nurse, Arianna, wanted me to start pumping right away so you could get some nutrients. You still had your breathing tube and a feeding tube down your throat so we could not try to breastfeed yet. I had to go to a nursing room to pump for the first time. This was very overwhelming for mommy. My plan had always been to nurse you as soon as you were birthed, but that did not happen. Finally around 7pm I was able to hold you for the first time because you were starting to breathe on your own and were able to be off the ventilator. We tried breastfeeding right away, but your throat was so sore from the tubes that it did not go well. You never properly latched on and mommy was very stressed. We didn't have much privacy. The nurses put up several screens around your station so that you and mommy were semi hidden. While the screens kept us out of sight, they could not drown out the noise in that NICU room. Doctors were making their diagnosis, nurses were responding to alarms, other babies were getting surgeries done right at their stations and families were getting bad news. Mommy hated to hear the cries of other mommies and daddies. The baby right next to your station was very sick. He needed new kidneys, but could not have the operation until he was at least 20 pounds. He was given a 20% chance to live. His parents didn't understand. There were a few babies that never had any visitors the entire time that we were there. They didn't have anyone to come hold their hands and whisper "I love you" to them. The nurses gave them attention, but couldn't be with them all the time. It made me so sad. Other babies had visitors coming and going. You were one of those babies. You have a lot of people that love you. Only two visitors were allowed to be at your station at one time, though, so I did not get to see many people interact with you for the first time because I could not be in the room. Everything was so stressful. Mommy felt like she had gotten run over by a train. Mommy could not relax and you never did latch on properly to nurse. You still never have.

Most of the rest of this blog will be about our struggles to breastfeed and your allergy issues. For now though, I will continue with your hospital stay. You were officially diagnosed with a pneumothorax. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pneumothorax) That is why you could not breathe. You also had a small hole in your heart and a slight heart murmur. You had several chest x-rays taken and an ultrasound done of some of your organs. This was very scary for everyone who loves you, but you fought through everything very well. You made great progress that first day. Since mommy and daddy couldn't stay the night with you, we had to go home. We tried to get into a Ronald McDonald House room, but did not get on the list in time for the first night. We got home around 9:30pm and mommy was so tired. I got in bed immediately. Around 10:30pm I was woken up by a phone call from the hospital. You were hungry. I could hear you crying in the background. The nurse asked if there was any way that I could make it back to the hospital to feed you. Mommy couldn't drive herself and daddy and grandma Julie were fast asleep. I tried to wake both of them up, but didn't have any luck. I didn't really get any sleep after that phone call. I just wanted to be where you were. I was showered and had my bag and a bag for you packed by 3am. As soon as grandma Julie woke up, we left to come see you. Again I tried to nurse you. It did not go well. Your nurse suggested that I try a nipple shield and that did seem to help. You were doing so much better with your breathing, but we wouldn't be allowed to go home if you weren't eating. Mommy was very focused on nursing you and pumping as much as I could so we could at least feed you through your feeding tube. Arianna put mommy and daddy on the list for a Ronald McDonald House room for the second night and we were fortunate enough to be chosen to stay in one. Mommy felt so lucky! I was able to come up and nurse you in the middle of the night, but again, things just weren't going well with breastfeeding. You were not getting the hang of it. By the third day of trying to nurse, mommy felt very discouraged. I just knew that we weren't going to take you home any time soon. The doctor came around for his morning meeting with the nurses, and asked how you were doing. He asked about your feeding. I sat there exhausted just knowing that I was about to hear bad news. The doctor said "I think it would be in the best interest of everyone if breastfeeding was continued in the comfort of a home." Mommy instantly started sobbing. I think that it took everyone by surprise. I looked up through my tears and everyone was just staring at me. The nurse asked if that was what I wanted and all I could do was shake my head yes. I knew that I could better take care of you if we weren't in such a stressful environment. So on the third day, we were able to go home. We still continued to use the nipple shield to nurse, but you were at least eating. I did not know it at the time, but our breastfeeding battle was just beginning. I will tell you more about that next time baby, but for now don't you ever forget that mommy loves you always and forever.