We were so excited to meet you. We had a plan. September 3, 2012 we had scheduled an induction. We checked into the hospital at 4pm and I got my first dose of cervix softener at 5pm. The plan was to get a dose every 4 hours until about 6am. At that time the doctor was going to come in and break my water and start me on pitocin. We were expecting to meet you sometime that next afternoon. Mommy and daddy packed a DVD player with some of our favorite DVD's. We joked that the first movie that you would watch would be Superbad because mommy loves that movie and we knew I would need a good laugh after birthing you. The hospital that we were at offered free massages to new mothers. Believe me I was planning on taking advantage of that! Plus, I was going to have cheesecake after every meal! We were going to have a lot of visitors coming to see us and our brand new beautiful baby. That was our plan. We quickly learned that things don't always go as planned.
Mommy only got one dose of cervix softener. By 9pm I was at 4cm and having very regular contractions. Things were getting painful, but I had a strong feeling throughout my entire pregnancy that I did not want an epidural. Not getting an epidural was one of the best decisions mommy has ever made. I lost track of time, but labor progressed quickly. The nurse came in to check me and I was at 7cm. Then I had three terrible contractions back to back. I was clutching the side of the bed because I was out of my mind in pain. I told daddy and grandma Julie that I needed to push. They ran to get the nurse and I was at 10cm. Everything my body had worked for the past 10 months had led to this. I was so ready to meet you, and 30 minutes of pushing later you were here. It was 1:58am on September 4, 2012 when you made your arrival into this world.The doctor put you on my chest and I looked into your eyes. I didn't even have time to reach out and touch you. You gave us a few good cries, but then the nurses whisked you away to a table across the room. The nurses were listening to your chest and they started rushing around. You got quiet. The room got quiet. I didn't understand what was going on, but I knew something wasn't right. You turned blue and weren't breathing. The nurse began to manually pump your breaths. I felt so helpless looking at you from across the room. My body felt like it was going into shock. I was so cold that I had to ask the nurse to cover me with multiple blankets. My mind was racing. It went into survival mode. I told myself "don't get too close to this baby because she might not make it." I have struggled to get over this mental block ever since you were born. It is not that I don't love you baby, its just that my mind couldn't handle losing you.
When they took you out of the room, I tried to get some answers. Your grandma Julie is a very smart lady. I knew that she understood some of what the doctors and nurses had said. I asked her if there was a chance that we could lose you and she replied that there was always a chance. I could tell by the look on her face that she was very worried and that made me worried. She left the room to call grandpa Rick and tell him that he needed to drive down to Indy right away. I knew then that things were bad. Honestly, though, I just felt numb. I didn't have much emotion. I felt like everyone was walking on egg shells around me just waiting for me to break. Everyone was whispering and scattering around. The pediatrician on call had to be called in to evaluate the situation. No one knew for sure why you weren't breathing and the hospital where you were born did not have the resources to take care of you. The pediatrician came into our room and told us that they needed to transfer you to Riley. Riley is an amazing yet extremely sad place to be baby, but we are so fortunate that we live close to such a great hospital. The Riley ambulance transport team was called to come and get you. Once they arrived, they got you all packed up and ready to go on your first car ride in an ambulance. They had to put a breathing tube down your throat so they could start you on a breathing ventilator. You put up such a fight that they had to sedate you to get the tube in! You have been such a fighter from day one. Mommy and daddy got to see you for just a few minutes before you left and I was able to kiss you on the head. Daddy and grandpa Bill got to go to Riley to be with you right away, but mommy had to stay in the hospital and wait to be discharged. My blood pressure was very high for obvious reasons, but the doctor wanted to make sure that it did not get any higher before I left. It was so hard for me to not be where you were. To not know what was going on. To not know if I would ever see you alive again.
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