Missing Milestones

Well my darling little lady this was mommy's first week of working a full time job since you've been born. It was definitely an up and down kind of week. You just had a bath and are sleeping on the couch so I am going to make this entry short and sweet so I can come snuggle with you. Mommy has really missed you this week.

This week was harder than I expected. I've worked two part time jobs since you've been born so I'm used to working a lot of hours, but most of the time those hours would happen in the evenings or on the weekends so I got to spend a lot of the day time with you. Now, you are already getting sleepy by the time I get home and I didn't feel like I really got to see you much this week. I really, really missed you.

Monday was my first day and I would have to say that it was the hardest. You were sick and not feeling well at all, but mommy couldn't call in on her first day. Thank goodness grandma Julie was here to help take care of you since daddy was already at work. Mommy left for work, but called and made a doctors appointment for you on her drive into work. I told the nurse your symptoms and she wanted to get you in as soon as she could. Grandma Julie took care of you until daddy could take you to the doctor. I called daddy to tell him all your symptoms and told him just to call and let me talk to the doctor if he needed me to. I felt like I needed to be there with you baby and I couldn't be. It was very stressful for mommy. The doctor put you on an antibiotic for 14 days, but said it wasn't pneumonia which is what I was worried about. So that was at least good news.

Then a girl that mommy went to high school with had a baby earlier this week. The baby is not doing very well, and she put pictures up online of her little girl. Her baby has a breathing tube, a line through her belly button, and is hooked up to all kinds of monitors just like you were baby. It broke my heart to see that little baby. It also made mommy feel pretty depressed. I hadn't thought about your birth in awhile, and seeing those pictures took me right back to it. I try not to think about it anymore because when I do, I feel like I relive it. I've been thinking about that baby and her family a lot this week and wish all of them the best. She is having a much rougher time than you did baby and will probably be in the hospital a lot longer than you were. Mommy feels fortunate that you recovered as well and as quickly as you did.

Mommy did have a long day this week as well. I worked my full time job on Wednesday and then went straight to my part time job after that. Mommy doesn't like to do this, but right now it is what I have to do. It was draining to be gone all day. lug around all the stuff I have to have with me these days, worry about when I need to take my breaks to pump, and try to pack enough food in the morning to satisfy me for the entire day since I have such limited food options. I was mentally exhausted before Wednesday even started because I had been worrying about my long day since the week began. I worked over 13 hours and then got up with you in the night when you were hungry. Then I went back to work the next morning. I was tired, and I just missed you so much. Your daddy and grandma Julie were a huge help to me this week with stuff around the house. I appreciate both of them so much.

Then today you rolled over for the first time while you were at your day care. This kind of devastated me. I instantly got upset because I'm missing out on you growing up right now. I might miss a lot of milestones over the next few months and that is tough for mommy to come to terms with. I wish I could be there for all of them my sweet baby. Please understand that mommy is doing what she has to do. Mommy hasn't been very smart with her money so far in life, and mommy and daddy are determined to teach you to be wise with your money. We got you a piggy bank for Christmas so you can start saving your money. Mommy got upset about missing your milestone today, but it made me even more determined to work as hard as I can over the next few years so that I can stay home when we are ready to give you a sibling. I hope that you won't think that I love that second baby more than I love you since I will hopefully be staying home with that baby once it is born. Mommy just didn't realize how attached to you she would be before she had you and she didn't save her money like she should have.

So nothing major happened this week which is actually a good thing! Your tummy is feeling better, now we just need you to get over your sinus and yeast infections. One of these days you will feel completely better I just know it. You and I are making the long drive up to grandma and grandpa's tomorrow for Christmas. Your first Christmas baby! I can't wait to spend time with you these next four days that I am off work! I love you my sweet darling, always and forever.

Getting Pregnant

Don't worry my sweet baby, even though the blog post is titled "getting pregnant" there won't be any graphic details :) Mommy just wants to explain how lucky she feels to have you. I am thankful that you are here, but since I've been having such a rough time with things lately, I feel very guilty. This post will help me take a step back from our current situation and make me realize what a little miracle you are. No matter what we have to go through with your health baby, mommy needs to remember our journey to your conception and just be thankful that you are here.

When mommy was 18 she went to the doctor to get her yearly checkup for the first time. My pap test results came back abnormal so I needed to get some extra tests done. They did a biopsy of my cells and then told me I needed to come back every three months so they could monitor any changes. After a year of monitoring me, the doctor determined that my cells weren't getting any better, but they didn't seem to be getting any worse either. The doctor told mommy that since her cells were abnormal, they were pre-cancerous. She told me about a procedure where they froze most of your cervix so that the cells didn't have a chance to get to the cancerous stage. She mentioned harvesting my eggs if I was interested in having kids someday. She told me that if I went through with the procedure or not I would probably have a very difficult time getting pregnant without medical assistance. She said it might even be impossible for me to get pregnant.

Woah. Hold on just a minute. That is a lot of things for a 19 year old to process. You will learn someday that mommy usually deals with things in life that overwhelm her by just "running away" from the problem. It is a bad habit of mine that you are helping me work on right now. There have been so many times these past few months with your issues that I have just wanted to run away baby. I'm sorry. Then I look at your sweet face and I know I could never run away from you. Anyway, so mommy kind of avoided her health issues for awhile. I just didn't want to think about anything the doctor had told me and it was like if I ran away from the situation it wasn't real. Mommy and daddy started dating about a month after mommy got this news from the doctor and mommy was always very honest with daddy about everything. I immediately just thought about adopting children because it was easier to know I could have a child by adopting one than think about going through the heart ache of not being able to conceive. Again, mommy was trying to avoid an uncomfortable situation. Daddy made it very clear that it was important for him to have his own children. This scared mommy. What if I couldn't give him what he wanted?

At age 21 I lost my health insurance. I was still in college and wasn't working a full time job yet. Since I didn't have health insurance, I stopped going to the doctor. That meant I lost my birth control option that year as well. At first mommy and daddy were very careful. We were both still young and didn't want to take any chances. As the months passed we were less and less careful. There were several times that mommy took a pregnancy test, but they never came back positive. Mommy has never had a regular cycle so it was hard for me to know if I was actually late or not. Even though I felt that I was still young, I would always get my hopes up that one of those tests would come back positive.                                     

Daddy proposed to mommy when I was 24 and mommy said yes even though I was never completely comfortable making that commitment knowing that I might not be able to have his children. I felt so guilty. I felt like I was forcing someone into a life long bond with me when I might not be able to make them happy. It had been years at this point and we had not gotten pregnant. Though we weren't actively trying to get pregnant, we weren't really doing anything to prevent it either. I was getting very worried. Maybe I really wouldn't be able to get pregnant. This was just too much pressure for me and mommy was starting to get very depressed. There was a lot of stress in mommy and daddy's relationship. Though we stopped talking about the whole pregnancy situation, we both knew what was or I guess I should say wasn't happening. In June 2011, mommy gave daddy back the ring and we both decided to take a few months to ourselves to figure out what we wanted. Mommy and daddy never stopped loving each other baby. That is important for you to know. Mommy and daddy still talked every day during that break. What we quickly realized is that we love each other very much and what makes us happiest is being together no matter what. Mommy felt a lot less stress about everything with daddy. Mommy moved back in with daddy in October of 2011 and we ended up conceiving you at the end of November. I don't know if mommy's body had always just felt like there was too much stress and pressure on it or what, but we were finally able to conceive a child, you. I honestly feel like you are a miracle baby for us. Though we didn't exactly plan your conception, we knew it could have happened at any time. I think both mommy and daddy had basically given up on the idea of getting pregnant on our own after almost 4 years. I have known several people in my life who have had trouble with getting pregnant. Sadly, it's not really an uncommon thing these days. I never talked to many people about this struggle in my life. Even some of my closest friends and family will learn things by reading this post. I guess I was always worried about being judged by friends and family for even hoping to get pregnant in the first place.

 I will write an entire blog post devoted to my pregnancy with you baby. For now I just want to say thank you my sweet darling. Thank you for being you. You are a wonderful and unique baby who has added so much to our lives. You have already taught me more than I could have ever imagined and you continuously make mommy deal with new things. You are a challenge, but at this point I wouldn't change a thing. I guess that just in case I only get one chance at having a child you wanted to make sure I got to experience a little bit of everything with you :) Thank you for making mommy and daddy's relationship stronger as well. Daddy is so happy to have you and he loves you very much. Mommy is glad she could make daddy happy and mommy loves you too of course. Always and forever.

FootPrints

Oh my darling little lady. Mommy had a very productive yet up and down kind of a day. I have several blog posts started on different subjects, but I haven't made them public yet. I want to tell you how today went first.

One of my friends very recently had a baby, and as I was looking at her pictures online of her hospital stay, I noticed she had such a cute picture of her baby's footprints in pink ink! I loved it, but it made me sad at the same time. We did not get your foot or hand prints when you were born. There was no time to worry about that little detail. I know that it was necessary to move quickly after you were born, but I feel like I missed out on so much. It has been bugging me lately so today I decided to take a trip to the hospital where you were born. I asked the nurses if there was any way that they would have gotten your prints. They checked for me, but there were no prints. Mommy was so disappointed. I know I looked like I was going to cry, but the nurses were all so nice about it. They sent me home with a bag of supplies so I could get your hand and footprints tonight at home. So that is what we did! They aren't your newborn prints, but they are better than nothing baby! The nurses had given me a "keepsake birth certificate" on the day that you were born, but just left the place where your footprints should go blank so we added your three month footprints to that tonight. We also didn't know your length until your were four days old. Again, there just wasn't any time to measure you. We are lucky we even knew your weight! Mommy and daddy also went and got your actual birth certificate today so you are now official :)

It makes mommy sad to think about how much we didn't get to experience. I know I should just be thankful that you are alive, but I had such a vision in my head of how things were going to go after you were born. I wanted to be this glowing new mother who everyone congratulated for having this beautiful new baby. I was certainly not glowing and it was not a congratulating type of a situation. Everyone just looked at me with sadness in their eyes. It was not a happy time for anyone. I wish I had been able to see my parents reaction the first time that they got to see you together. I wish so badly that you and mommy had had that special bonding time as soon as you were born. I dream that with our next one we will get to experience those things and more. It is going to take mommy awhile before I feel up for going through that experience again. I already know that I will be paranoid about EVERYTHING with my next pregnancy and delivery.

We did get some very good news today. A third party company has agreed to work with our doctors office and insurance company to get us some help with your special formula. The company will get a script from the doctors office and will make sure that insurance pays for the formula since it is a medical necessity that you are on it. Then we will receive all the formula we need month by month and it will be delivered right to our door! This is amazing news baby girl! Mommy has been very stressed about money lately and this will be a huge help. You have been WAY more expensive than mommy and daddy were expecting because of all the issues that we have had. We were not expecting to have you on any formula at all or have you go through so many diapers a day when your tummy was hurting so bad. Finances have definitely been a big worry for us these past few months, but things are looking up now. We have great family and friends who have helped us out tremendously with buying us diapers, wipes, formula, clothes or just giving us money to help out since you were born. A great friend of mommy's even drove all the way to Indy to take your newborn pictures for us! We are so lucky to have such amazing people in our lives who love you very much.

Mommy is trying her best to get everything taken care of this week because I start working full time Monday. Yes, a full time job baby! Mommy is so excited yet so torn at the same time. I wish beyond anything that I was able to stay home with you every day, but we are not in a financial position to do that at this time. I hope by the time we are ready for you to have a sibling, mommy can stay home with both of you. At least we found a great home day care for you to be at. I know you have a lot of fun there and that makes mommy feel less stressed when I'm away from you. For now I need to go get things ready for work in the morning, but I just wanted to remind you that mommy loves you always and forever!

Mommy's Irrational Fear of Losing You

Sweet, sweet baby girl. We have had a long week, but a pretty good week. I have been meaning to write a new post for days now, but just have not had time. Soon I want to write in depth about a few topics including the nipple shield, pumping, formula, my birth plan, pregnancy, getting pregnant, being a working mother and my diet change. For tonight, though, I want to write about my daily irrational fear of losing you because it has been a huge struggle for me this week.

First let me give an update on your situation. Cutting out soy from my diet has been a game changer for you. We have not seen any blood in your stools in about 3 days now, and your mood has greatly improved. I have my fingers crossed that we have your food allergies all figured out. I have gotten my hopes up before, but I really do feel good about things right now. You have been a fun "normal" baby these past few days. It has been so nice. I have been able to kind of enjoy being a mommy this week. I know it sounds so awful, but I really have not enjoyed you much these past three months. It makes me feel like a terrible person to admit that, but things have just been too stressful for me to enjoy much of it.

I have an irrational fear of losing you. It is like I know that I shouldn't constantly be worrying about that anymore, but I cannot help it. I mentioned it before, but when you were born and you were having issues it is like my mind went into survival mode. I set up mental and emotional blocks so that if we lost you, it wouldn't be so hard. At least that's what I told myself at the time. I haven't really gotten rid of those mental blocks yet. Every time I look at you, I just go through a mental check list of things I need to monitor. Are you breathing?  Is your skin coloring ok? Do you feel too cold? Is your nose so stuffy that you might have trouble breathing at some point? Are you silently choking like you sometimes do? Multiple doctors have told me that we do not need to worry about your lung collapsing again, but I constantly worry that you will stop breathing. I'm always looking at your shoulders to check for movement or putting my hand in front of you nose to feel you exhale. I think that it will take me a long time to believe what those doctors say. Right now I look at you like you are just this thing that I need to make sure survives. It has made it extremely hard to enjoy my time with you. I feel like at any point you could just be taken away from me again. It is a terrible feeling.

We have made a breakthrough this week, though. For the past 4 nights you have slept in your bassinet in mommy and daddy's room. Every other night of your life has been spent in our bed or on the couch and always in my arms or grandma Julie's arms. I know the topic of co-sleeping is controversial, but it worked for us. Mommy has always been extremely careful about our co-sleeping. I make sure that you have plenty of space to breathe. I always turn my head so that when I exhale, you won't breathe in my leftover air. Usually this means that mommy isn't very comfortable, but that doesn't matter to me. In the beginning I always made excuses and blamed our co-sleeping on you baby. In Riley you slept under a heating lamp thing so you were always warm there. At home we had a lot of problems with you being able to properly regulate your temperature in the first few weeks. You would get SO cold. It would get to the point of your lips turning blue and you shivering. You would only sleep in your bassinet for about 20 minutes on your own before you got too cold and started crying. It was comforting for both you and mommy to snuggle all night long and keep each other warm. You love to be held and snuggled. I always say its because you couldn't be held for so long after you were born, but who knows. Then when your tummy wasn't feeling good, you weren't able to settle yourself at night. For mommy's sanity, it was just easier to sleep with you in my arms so you would sleep for a few hours at a time and let mommy get some sleep as well. Sometimes at night you wake up choking and when you are in my arms I am always right there to start patting your back. I wake up right away when you start choking even when you are silent about it. I just always blamed our co-sleeping on you baby, but one day about two and a half weeks ago I realized that it wasn't you anymore who needed to be snuggled at night, it was me. I tried to put you in your bassinet that night, but then I couldn't sleep. I sat there for over 2 hours and worried that you would stop breathing. That you would die in your sleep. How could mommy live without you? I couldn't do it. I got up and checked on you countless times. I could not sleep. So you ended up back in bed with mommy.

Like I said, though, we had a breakthrough this week with you sleeping in the bassinet. I know you can't sleep in my arms forever. Mommy wouldn't have been able to handle it if anything had ever happened to you while we were co-sleeping. I have heard horror stories of mommy's or daddy's suffocating their babies while co-sleeping. Mommy can't even imagine if that had happened. Thankfully we never had any issues. We went three months of co-sleeping every night and I'm thankful for that time I got to spend with you. I haven't been able to enjoy much, but I enjoy you the most when you are sleeping. That is when I can just sit beside you and look at you. It is beautiful to just watch you breathe when you are sleeping. I will never take for granted the act of breathing again after you weren't able to when you were born. Breathing is such a simple mindless act for most people, but it is something that is necessary for a person's survival. If you can't breathe, you can't survive and that's why we could have lost you baby. You look so peaceful when you are sleeping and it gives me some peace of mind.

I know I need to stop worrying so much. You are feeling much better this week. I hope that I start enjoying you more soon. I love you so so so much baby. Please don't ever think that I don't or didn't love you during this time in your life. You have just had a rough start and mommy has had a hard time with it. So I will leave you with this, mommy loves you darling. Always and forever.

Doctor Visit

Oh my pretty little lady. Let's talk about how Friday ended up going. Mommy should have written a new post Friday night, but I needed a few days to get my emotions under control.

Well we did end up getting you into the doctor on Friday. You will be three months old on Tuesday, but we have already visited your pediatrician 8 times. I have a feeling that you are going to require some extra medical care for quite some time. I like your pediatrician, but I feel like it is time for us to get a second opinion on your situation. I called the Riley allergy specialists on Friday, but we need a referral to go and see them. I think I'm going to try to get you an appointment with a Riley pediatric doctor for next week so we can easily get a referral to their allergy specialist team if needed. At this point, an allergy issue is the only thing that your pediatrician has even mentioned, and I want a second opinion to make sure that we are on the correct path with your medical care.

Our usual pediatrician was out of the office so we had to see a doctor in the practice that we have never seen before. That made it hard because she has not been with us since day four of your life like your regular doctor. I was completely overwhelmed, very emotional, and getting desperate. I know I looked like a very tired and run down mother on Friday. The nurse that we saw was amazing. All of the nurses that we have seen at your doctors office have been wonderful, very understanding and compassionate. I took in several messy diapers from Friday morning to show them what I was worried about. The nurse looked at me with big eyes and told me she would be very concerned if her child's diapers looked like the ones I took in. The doctor came in and looked at them, though, and didn't seem concerned at all. She told me that she didn't think that the amount of blood loss was significant. I told her that we have been seeing diapers like that for days now and sometimes we see 20 plus diapers like that a day! Add up all the blood in 20 diapers and that accounts for a significant amount of blood lost in one day. Any amount of blood lost from a 12 pound baby should be considered significant in my book. I mean how much blood can a 12 pound baby really have to lose? Right now all her energy should be focused on her growth and development and not on constantly creating new blood cells. I told the doctor that you've been having bad diarrhea and I'm afraid of dehydration with all your stools and the blood loss. She just kind of gave me a blank stare. I wanted to ask her how many babies she sees right now who have diapers that look like yours. I wanted to ask her if she really knew what she was talking about. I was getting very angry, but I had to control myself.

I tried to plead with the doctor. I'm getting desperate. I tried to convey my desperation. I just want to make you feel better baby. I asked her what was best in terms of your feeding, and she told me that breast milk is always best. I had prepared myself to hear the doctor say that I needed to stop breast feeding so I was relieved to hear her say that. I would have been disappointed to stop breast feeding, but at this point I would not have put up a fight about it. She told me to cut out all soy from my diet as well, continue to supply as much breast milk as I am able to, and wait 2 weeks to see if things get better. Wait. Wait. Wait. I feel like we've been waiting for answers for the past 10 weeks. Frankly I'm getting sick of waiting. I asked her what we could do about your pain and she said try a warm towel on your stomach. Baby I know that won't stop your pain. I can sit here and watch your poor little tummy tighten and convulse when you are hurting and a warm towel isn't going to do anything for your pain. I asked about an infection and she said she highly doubted that you had any sort of infection. I told her my concerns about not catching an infection in time, though, if there was one. She was starting to get impatient with me I could tell. We had already been in the office for an hour and she had other patients to get to. I was just bothering her at this point. I just wanted to make her understand that I am very concerned about you and I just want to make you feel better. She doesn't have to be the one to hear you cry in pain in the evenings. She did finally send us home with several containers to collect your stool samples over the weekend so we can get them tested to make sure you don't have an infection. It has been tough to collect samples, though, because you are still having a lot of diarrhea and that just soaks into your diaper.

So we left the doctor's office without any answers and with more frustration than before. Mommy cried on daddy's shoulder for a long time once we got to the parking lot. At least daddy did tell mommy that he thinks continuing to breast feed is our best option. Mommy thought he was beginning to feel that all formula was best for you. I'm glad that we are on the same page, though. Sometimes it is hard for mommy and daddy to talk about these things. I feel like I am being such a woe is me person right now, but you are my life baby. You are what I think about all day, every day. I'm honestly starting to get angry about everything. Why did this have to happen to you baby? Why my baby? Didn't you have a rough enough start in life to be dealt all of this? I worry about your development. This is such a crucial time for your growth and brain development. Are you getting enough healthy nutrition? At least you seem to be feeling better than you did on Friday. Hopefully we can get some answers soon. I'm trying baby. I promise I'm trying. Don't you ever forget that mommy loves you always and forever.